Friday, May 3, 2013
This is a personal post here on the blog. As I enter my 16th week of pregnancy, I am amazed at the journey...to say the least. There are so many things that I want to share, but this post could be a zillion words long. So I'll share it by highlighting a few words that begin to explain this new season in our lives.
This baby is truly a miracle. Especially with the loss that Matt and I experienced last October with our miscarriage. (Someday, I will be able to share the whole story. I just haven't been able to make it down on paper.)
As we have moved forward in God's grace, this gift of a life is the most precious thing I can imagine. Seeing it's little body at our 10-week appointment sent chills of joy through my body. This baby's heart is beating strong, and there is amazing life forming inside! It's incredible. I thank God everyday for the ways He continues to redeem and bless us.
Matt and I's wedding anniversary is October 15th. Our miscarriage happened last October 15th. Our due date for this baby is October 15th. I know that this is an undeniable picture of God's redemption; His beautiful, life-changing, and loving redemption.
This seems relatively obvious. Especially when I look down at my baby bump and realize the change in it's shape and size. And the delighted change from being super-sick for over six weeks, and now feeling better in the last month or so.
But more than that, change in perspective. Everything that you think about for the future has a completely different filter. Our baby. The details lately have been a bit overwhelming for me. Insomnia (because of symptoms of pregnancy) leads to my mind "figuring things out" in the darkness of the night. Prayer for peace and practicing faith have been the calming solutions in those dark hours...albeit, not always instant. Sometimes I wake my sweet husband up so we can pray. His care and patience through this whole journey has been so incredibly sweet.
Each week brings on new things. This week: the weepiness that we so often hear about. The tears welling up, the overwhelming feeling that I could sob about seemingly minor things...that's this week. Oh, the hormones.
Again about the baby bump. It is the sweetest thing to see it grow (and at times uncomfortable). It's not always beautiful, I will be sure to note. But in those crazy-joyful moments, I am so happy and blown away by the way our bodies can grow a baby. I can't put into words this reality. As this baby grows, every inch of my being just desires and prays for health; that everything going on inside is going well.
Growth in faith is also a very real thing. I can't feel exactly what is happening inside. I can only have faith that our baby is growing and progressing healthily. There have been intense times of fear (especially in the beginning) that speculates something might be wrong. It's some of the most paralyzing moments I've experienced, because, oh my goodness, everything in me yearns for this baby's health.
I must touch on this because I don't want to mislead those through the journey of pregnancy. There IS challenge. Feeling like you have the flu for six weeks, like 42 days, you guys...that is nothing to leave out. This amazing journey comes with the joys of this life growing inside combined with throwing up, exhaustion, mood swings, and days where your husband looks at you and says, "I'm not sure what to say besides, 'I'm sorry...and thank you for carrying our baby.'" Bless his heart for always trying to help, even though it might be the millionth time he has heard his wife say, "Babe, I just really don't feel good..."
The challenges felt like blessings in disguise a lot of the time. I was throwing up, but secretly OK with it (kind of) because it meant my body was surging with the hormones required to grow a baby. The other symptoms (that I'll leave out here) also "confirmed" for me that my body is doing a great thing.
So, as I reflect in words about this journey thus far (while leaving a necessary amount out), we are thankful. So incredibly thankful. God's redemption in this journey is undeniable, and as we take each step with newness, awe, wonder, and sometimes fear, we trust Him for this beautiful life. Our baby. A gift.